You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
