Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
