oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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