my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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