Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
