I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
