Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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