She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
