Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
did i just pee glitter
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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