you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize