Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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