i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
from now on my penis is your penis
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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