guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
