Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
