please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
It's rum buckets o'clock
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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