omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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