Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
