I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The air was thick with penises
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize