I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
