Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
