Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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