Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
