Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
