words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
