my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
