dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
