I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
