but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
