so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
