1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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