Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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