yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
