i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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