So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
