just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
