I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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