Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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