You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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