I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
