if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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