It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
