i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
