Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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