thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
how drunk are you?
Several
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize