My sheets look like a crime scene.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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