I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
