Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
