I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
