i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
