I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
