Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
