just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Randomize
