A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
