update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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