the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
