The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
