seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
