Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
