ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
