i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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