Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
